Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Parental Naming Responsibility Act

I'm testing a theory here, so bear with me. I'm hypothesising that a strong indicator of both IQ and socio-economic status is one's first name. This name dictates whether a child will be a lawyer or a beneficiary, a farmer or a criminal. Parent's have a large degree of responsibility when naming their child at birth - it could mean the difference between riches or ruin.

Therefore, as a first step, I propose that the Ministry of Education starts determining its budget based on the names of children attending individual educational facilities.  The more Shaniahs and Shayennes, and names that are spelt incorrectly on purpose, such as Justyz and Dynazti, and children that are named after inanimate objects, such as Apple and Bluebell, and the less Marys and Sarahs, the more expensive the budget required to allow these children to change their name by deed poll and become model citizens.  It's not too late to change them while they are young!

A similar indicator could be used for mental health budgets, police, and drug enforcement agency budgets.

While I'm not usually one to call for regulations (the most you'll hear me call for is punishments that are meaningful against those who attack the freedom of others), I do seem to develop an eye twitch whenever I hear stupid, ridiculous names, and, in the interests of preserving New Zealand's future economic viability, I am increasingly prepared to eliminate people from the gene pool who inflict their children with such appalling names.

As I have become obsessed with this over the last two years (I believe this obsession took root after I finally worked out how to pronounce Macsyna - before the Kahui case, stupid names were just funny), I am tempted to list off all the stupid names I have come across.

Would that be wrong of me? I harp on about being disrespectful to fellow human begins but I can't help but judge when I hear stupid names. I'm going to post this unfinished (unsatisfying) blog as it is while I ponder this possible hypocrisy. Any insight is welcome.


Lindsay said...

Have you got Haydeez on your list yet? Fancy hanging that moniker on a baby girl.

Oswald Bastable said...

There have been a few of us commenting on this 'Silly First Name' syndrome, over the years.

I have also heard of it as 'A Boy Named Sue' Syndrome.

There is something in it, alright!

muz said...

WOBH first alerted me to this disturbing relativity he referred to as SFNS and it is a troubling and apparently growing phenomenon.
Great blogg, have added it to my daily read.

Opinionated Mummy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TouchStone said...

Damnit, Os, ya stole my thunder!
....I was going to bring up the "Boy Named Sue"! LOL

clare said...

In the old days it was the traditional names that mattered, a respectable name, nowadays it is all about ‘individuality’, you have to have a ‘rare’ name for uniqueness, you see.

It is just sad, because the names are becoming even more ridiculous, as time goes by.

libertyscott said...

Yes go to the Whale Oil blog, check out "silly first name syndrome".

It should be a warning sign for relevant agencies to check out the state of the kids involved, if I was a fascist.

Opinionated Mummy said...

Thanks for the reference to Whale Oil - a good read. Clearly there is a case for pre-approved names. Referendum, anyone?