Sunday, August 28, 2011

Children: do not do as I do

I took some work home with me 2 Wednesdays ago.  All I had to do was draft up a quick paper.  I thought on  that Wednesday, "I'll just do this tonight when all is quiet, and get it out of the way."

Instead I did the following, sometimes more than once:

  • knitted scarf;
  • painted nails (necessary to test 4 different colours - this takes some time);
  • shopped;
  • did a Where's Wally 250-piece puzzle to determine which piece is missing;
  • found Wally;
  • engaged in Mighty Beanz warfare with children;
  • looked for Mighty Beanz;
  • spent the entire afternoon travelling up and down the same small section of track on the Silverstream Steam Railway;
  • made sushi in various permutations.
I realised with a sinking heart this evening that this paper is due to the Minister's office tomorrow, so I reluctantly sat down to do it.  10 days of took me 15 minutes.

I feel I should hang my head in shame.  

Monday, August 22, 2011

Coffee deprivation homicide

There are three golden rules in life:
1. Nothing works.
2. Everything sucks
3. Everyone you meet is either an idiot or plotting against you.

Being an optimistic and sunny person, I have no problem accepting that this is all an unavoidable part of life and may even play a valuable role in shaping the human condition by teaching us humility through suffering. All I ask is that somebody pays for it.

It’s about time people who indifferently ruin other people’s lives every day were jailed alongside the criminals who do it on purpose.

In fact I would like to see criminal prosecutions for the CEO of every company that delivers a crappy product that ruins your life in some small way.

Let me give you an example. Having offloaded a good $30 on a coffee plunger in an earnest effort to stop spending $5 a day on my morning coffee, I put the required scoops of coffee into the pot, filled it up with hot water, and waited, shutting my eyes against the familiar head thump when I've left my morning coffee too late.  When it looked dark and foreboding enough, I gently depressed the top plunging thingy.  In normal circumstances, it is supposed to simply crush the coffee into the bottom of the plunger so as to extract every bitter ounce of caffeine possible.  It is not supposed to separate from the base so that it no longer plunges, and then decide to jam into an awkward position so that I can't tip out the coffee beneath it.  Until the glass accidentally drops out of the handle bit and smashes all over the sink.  Naturally this all had to happen at work, in day one of my new job, when I was wearing a white shirt.  Just before a meeting with my new staff.  Fuck you, coffee plunger.

Businesspeople who profit from faulty goods should be removed from society, locked up, wiped out and expunged like the parasites they are. Destroy the bastards in one fell swoop, before they destroy our lives, one tiny disappointment at a time.

Disclaimer: This blog was written before the author had her first cup of coffee for the day.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Election year yawn

Quite by accident, I watched an item on the news on the National Party conference in Wellington today.  I honestly didn't mean to, but I was half way through knitting and, when I am in the middle of knitting, I am unable to multitask (such as in putting down the knitting to turn off the tv).

So National this year has decided the country's biggest issue is youth and getting them working through long term, socially proven measures, like.... reducing the minimum wage.  Naturally, there was a dissenting view from an unemployed senior citizen (wearing a red top - should I read into this?).  "If you reduce youth wage rates, it will make it harder for us to find work," he bleated.

Good point.  The Government should also, therefore, look at cutting the minimum wage for senior citizens.  But then that may not be seen as fair on the middle aged population, who unfairly enjoy a higher minimum wage, whether we want it or not.  

Everyone knows there has long been a percentage of lazy citizens who were just waiting to get themselves fired so they could rake in $227 a week. Presumably, through proven National Party research, these lazy citizens were youth.  That’s why they staged the global financial crisis.

Since then these selfish schemers have dodged the queues of employers (notorious for trying to snap up eager youth workers) by "volunteering".  Fortunately the Government will shut down that little rort and youth will have to get a job.  Or work for the dole in a volunteer programme.

Another policy that's been well thought through.  Must be election year.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

It's iPads what caused it, innit. UPDATE

Dear Comrades,

It is not surprising that the freedom-fighters in London have been denounced as “rioters’’ by the right-wing media machine.

These brave revolutionaries have selflessly risked other people’s lives to create a new socialist utopia.

But, as always, the dark forces of capitalism have sought to crush their spirit and incarcerate them until their parents make bail.

Never has one group of people done so much to promote equality, freedom and the equitable redistribution of iPads. And yet they are pilloried by the capo-fascist power structure and painted as common criminals by counter-revolutionaries in the ruling classes.

As a result I am obliged to circulate this test to idenfity subversive elements seeking to infect the revolutionary spirit.

In Solidarity,
Chairman Libertarimum

Please complete the following sentences.  If you unable to read, please get your probation officer to help you.
Slain Tottenham resident Mark Duggan was:
A) A drug-dealing gangster who was carrying a home-made gun
B) Hopelessly caught in a cycle of poverty and crime
C) A Marxist visionary

Setting fire to heritage buildings across London is:
A) A sickening desecration of history, culture, and property
B) An inevitable by-product of spending cuts
C) A defiant blow to the capo-aristocratic establishment

Increasing police numbers on the streets to stem the rampant destruction is:
A) An move required to restore order
B) A confrontational move that will only provoke more violence
C) The jackboot of fascism on the throat of the working classes

Smashing shop windows to steal flat-screen TVs is:
A) Unacceptable behaviour no matter what your background
B) Only to be expected in a consumer-driven society in which individuals are judged by their material possessions
C) The first step in a wave of progressive internationalism

Tottenham vs Everton is:
A) A football match that had to be called off because of the London riots
B) A BBC mini-series about a bitter custody battle
C) An artificially constructed social division created to distract the working classes from their economic oppression

Welfare payments to the unemployed are:
A) No more than a temporary safety net of last resort to facilitate re-entry into the workforce
B) Contributing to a sense of dislocation, but must never be cut
C) A vital redistribution of wealth from the industrial-military machine

Public housing estates are:
A) An outmoded recipe for ghettoisation that should be replaced with integrated housing throughout the community
B) An outmoded recipe for ghettoisation, but must never, ever be cut
C) A rich breeding ground for the revolutionary spirit

The Tweet "F*** the electronics, them Turkish jewellers needed to get robbed" is:
A) A clear incitement to violence
B) A complex study in socio-racial interaction
C) A call for a people’s uprising against capitalist materialism and/or the post-colonial oppression of the Ottoman Empire

A BlackBerry Messenger system is:
A) A smartphone communications network used by rioters to co-ordinate attacks
B) A means for disenfranchised youth to express their hopes and fears
C) Racist

Overall the UK riots are:
A) No different to any other outbreaks of violence
B) No different to what happened in South Africa under Apartheid
C) No different to what happened in Canberra under John Howard

If you answered mostly A: You are an avid consumer of news and current affairs
If you answered mostly B: You are writing a doctoral thesis at the Deepak Chopra Centre for Peace and Conflict Resolution
If you answered mostly C: You are a far-sighted visionary, no longer blinded by the mask of capitalist hegemony.  Your name is probably Sue Bradford.

UPDATE: What I didn't go into in the above sarcasm was my assumption that the yoofs quit rioting becuase they got a bit tired, and decided the next morning that rioting was too much like work.  Seems I got it wrong.  It was the rain.