Sunday, August 14, 2011

It's iPads what caused it, innit. UPDATE

Dear Comrades,

It is not surprising that the freedom-fighters in London have been denounced as “rioters’’ by the right-wing media machine.

These brave revolutionaries have selflessly risked other people’s lives to create a new socialist utopia.

But, as always, the dark forces of capitalism have sought to crush their spirit and incarcerate them until their parents make bail.

Never has one group of people done so much to promote equality, freedom and the equitable redistribution of iPads. And yet they are pilloried by the capo-fascist power structure and painted as common criminals by counter-revolutionaries in the ruling classes.

As a result I am obliged to circulate this test to idenfity subversive elements seeking to infect the revolutionary spirit.

In Solidarity,
Chairman Libertarimum

Please complete the following sentences.  If you unable to read, please get your probation officer to help you.
Slain Tottenham resident Mark Duggan was:
A) A drug-dealing gangster who was carrying a home-made gun
B) Hopelessly caught in a cycle of poverty and crime
C) A Marxist visionary

Setting fire to heritage buildings across London is:
A) A sickening desecration of history, culture, and property
B) An inevitable by-product of spending cuts
C) A defiant blow to the capo-aristocratic establishment

Increasing police numbers on the streets to stem the rampant destruction is:
A) An move required to restore order
B) A confrontational move that will only provoke more violence
C) The jackboot of fascism on the throat of the working classes

Smashing shop windows to steal flat-screen TVs is:
A) Unacceptable behaviour no matter what your background
B) Only to be expected in a consumer-driven society in which individuals are judged by their material possessions
C) The first step in a wave of progressive internationalism

Tottenham vs Everton is:
A) A football match that had to be called off because of the London riots
B) A BBC mini-series about a bitter custody battle
C) An artificially constructed social division created to distract the working classes from their economic oppression

Welfare payments to the unemployed are:
A) No more than a temporary safety net of last resort to facilitate re-entry into the workforce
B) Contributing to a sense of dislocation, but must never be cut
C) A vital redistribution of wealth from the industrial-military machine

Public housing estates are:
A) An outmoded recipe for ghettoisation that should be replaced with integrated housing throughout the community
B) An outmoded recipe for ghettoisation, but must never, ever be cut
C) A rich breeding ground for the revolutionary spirit

The Tweet "F*** the electronics, them Turkish jewellers needed to get robbed" is:
A) A clear incitement to violence
B) A complex study in socio-racial interaction
C) A call for a people’s uprising against capitalist materialism and/or the post-colonial oppression of the Ottoman Empire

A BlackBerry Messenger system is:
A) A smartphone communications network used by rioters to co-ordinate attacks
B) A means for disenfranchised youth to express their hopes and fears
C) Racist

Overall the UK riots are:
A) No different to any other outbreaks of violence
B) No different to what happened in South Africa under Apartheid
C) No different to what happened in Canberra under John Howard

If you answered mostly A: You are an avid consumer of news and current affairs
If you answered mostly B: You are writing a doctoral thesis at the Deepak Chopra Centre for Peace and Conflict Resolution
If you answered mostly C: You are a far-sighted visionary, no longer blinded by the mask of capitalist hegemony.  Your name is probably Sue Bradford.

UPDATE: What I didn't go into in the above sarcasm was my assumption that the yoofs quit rioting becuase they got a bit tired, and decided the next morning that rioting was too much like work.  Seems I got it wrong.  It was the rain.


Lindsay Mitchell said...

The 'C's is for cinister, innit? What Comrade Sue Bradford called today's welfare reform proposals.

Gekko said...

Very entertaining :)

Anonymous said...

Tehe this post encapsulates the hypocrisy of that stupid protest perfectly....ties in nicely with one I read recently on Cactus Kate. Gotta love the kids that protest against capitalism & get the message out via iphones, you tube etc...often while wearing Adidas or Gap clothing.